Hey guys.
I've been feeling down lately, i guess is because of the people i've met with recently. Don't get me wrong, it ain't something bad actually. Its more of a ' back to the past ' moment that i'm feeling, somehow its distracting me so much. I guess most of you guys would feel rather different when you meet up with someone who use to mean the world to you before, suddenly all the past memories would just gust through your mind like never before. I know all these should be kept as a forgettable memory, i don't want to even remember it at all. Though i still think about the past, but i'm hoping one day it'll all be forgotten like it has never happened before. Reminiscing of the past should be a happy thing, but i don't know why i'm feeling so crappy all of a sudden without an apparent reason for it. Feels like my heart has been stabbed countless of times everytime all the flashbacks appear in my mind, its just something i can't forget after many years. I hate this so much, i wanna kill this feeling.
We all should be happy meeting up with people we have not seen for a long time. I am happy, of cos i am. But somehow i feel so distanced from that one person that use to mean so much to me, while others whom i've not been close with suddenly became people i went crazy with. I don't know if its just me, or does everyone feels insignificant when he/she ignores you and treats you like a damn replacement? Like when there isn't any other people around, they'll just start coming to you cos they're just bored. If you're in my situation, how would you ever feel? For me, i feel pretty upset for the fact that i am someone's replacement. I've said countless of times that i hate before a substitute, being thrown around like an abandon rag doll ain't a good feeling at all. I would rather not have that person right infront of me, but i couldn't refrain myself from getting away from it. Like he has a poison in him that makes me feel nothing but a weak lamb, utterly disappointed with myself big time.
Why does memories/flashbacks hurts so much?
In the past, you were so happy right at that moment when it hasn't became a memory yet. Things were pretty good and you're like living each day perfectly cos you're around with someone you love so much. Your phone lights up everytime, a text from someone that could put a smile on your face every morning. Seeing each other without any awkwardness, he/she doesn't treat you like an invisible shadow. So many good times you thought it wouldn't end, your mind were filled with things that were so good beyond imagination. Then one day, things went wrong and you don't know what happened. Suddenly the texting stops, suddenly you're being ignored, suddenly you became someone he/she doesn't wanna know, suddenly all the awkwardness just strikes in between. And you thought to yourself: 'What have i done?', 'What happened to us?', 'Did i do anything wrong?'. All the questions just kept coming out, with no one having that answers to all your questions. You just broke down in tears having no clue of what to do, you're just left with nothing and you're feeling like nothing.
I've been finding the answers to my questions for years, though i have already moved on but the sight of that person still brings back memories of the past. A memory that you wish you could just simply erase it without any pain, but it just wouldn't let me go. Memories/flashbacks hurts so much because of an unanswered question you wish you knew but never did and because that someone gave you so much to remember then next thing you know, he/she left without a damn word leaving you at the side standing alone. What logic is that? I would rather hear an anwser from someone on why they wanna leave rather than they just leave without an apparent reason and making me feel like everything was my fault. I guess this is it, i deserve all this i guess. I deserve all this because i was so stupid back then to put you in first place when you treat me like nothing at all, i knew that but i didn't say a damn word. What a great lesson i've learned, giving someone your best but they just don't see it. Professional heartbreakers everywhere, they can't be seen with your naked eyes. They're like a thief, robbing all the assets of yours and leaving you with nothing. My mistake for being so naive, stupid me.
All along i was nothing, all along i was a replacement even until now. I realized now, realized that things doesn't always go my way. It will all fall down eventually if i keep my hopes up high, indeed i fall pretty hard. Out of all the pain i've experienced, memories of you are the worse. There are happy and sad moments, but i wanna forget every single one of it because it all doesn't make any sense to me. All that we've been though, its just a fake acting we're both putting. So many times i wish you could disappear, but you kept appearing. I kept asking myself why do i always give in to you, why do i always become so weak when i'm with you, all the whys are infinities. You hurt me so much, yet i still cared. Seriously, from now on i'm backing out in this drama. I've promised myself not to get close to you anymore when i see you again, it'll be great not having to talk to you. Breaking people's heart seems to be your past time hobby, well go screw yourself maybe. Don't ever ever ever act like i mean something to you when i don't, douchebag of the year goes to you my 'friend'. Don't come back again, stop grossing me out.
And a little something for you, enjoy!
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