Hey guys.
I know it has been decades since i last blogged, life has been pretty tough to live by recently and i'm still trying to fill in the gaps to make it complete. I have been finding time, but other miscellaneous stuff has been getting in the way and i just couldn't manage that well anymore. Maybe now is just the best time to set aside some time for myself to calmly vent out some thoughts and unnecessary problems that i have been struggling with for the passed few months. I know clearly that i have some really good friends that i can depend on to make my day a little better but sometimes, not everything can be said upfront. It takes lots of courage to specifically tell and vent out what's really in one's mind, not everyone can do so and i'm sadly one of them. So bear with me for a moment. This may sound depressing, but it's also a part of me i need to get it off. All the negativities, all the low self-esteem, all my insecurities are killing me slowly each day. Like a battle i can never win, never overcome.
Few months ago i was pretty much a happy person. I could still glimpse through those times i laughed so hard till i could barely breathe, one of those days i can never forget. After what i discovered among people, i can never see myself being around them anymore. Sometimes the sight of mankind just makes me so afraid, leading me to think what did i do to deserve all these. Truly, we can never understand ourselves and we can never understand others. That's just nature and no one can ever change that, we always assume we know someone so well but in fact, we really don't. Even if we know people for the longest of time, definitely there will be one secret that he or she will never ever tell till the day they die. All that we struggle with everyday of our lives, some people could clearly see it while some people couldn't. We can never blame those who refuse to be concerned or ask if we're okay or not, only God knows that they have their own struggles to attend to themselves. We are all humans, we get disappointed and we get discriminated everyday. No one can ever succeed in pleasing anyone, even if it is possible, it only last for awhile till the next storm comes again. True enough, not everyday is a good and succeeding day. Some of us have the worse day ever, some of us have the best day ever but it comes crumbling down after that.
I always wanted to give my greatest trust to people whom i'm really comfortable with but at that point of time when you realized that it was the biggest mistake you've ever made to trust that one person, your life just isn't the same anymore. The way you look at that particularly person just scares you so much, giving you that most unforgettable heartbreak ever. Being doubted by people around you, being looked down by people around you, being talked about by people around you. How much of my confidence can it deteriorate any further? Since the day i could clearly think of things around me, i noticed that i can never get anything done right. Whenever i did something good, something bad will without fail shoot me down. I know, we are all learning everyday. If we don't go through the storm now, we can never get to the other side after that. We try, we fail, we stand back up. That has always been my motto in life but sad enough, it isn't that easy at all. I wish i could discover my abilities, i wish i could solve my weaknesses, i wish i could recover back quickly after i make a mistake, i wish i was able to do things quickly and not waste anyone's time, i wish i was born a genius. We all wish that as well, but i guess i'm just one of them who learns slowly and get it right while some learns it fast and get it right.
I don't blame my parents or my circle of friends for whatever i'm unhappy with today. I blame myself for not being able to adapt well in school, for not being able to expose myself more to opportunities, for not being able to take that first step of Faith. I regret so many things in the past which i didn't do when i have the chance, now that its all gone i wish i could take it all back. Maybe my parents wouldn't have to pay so much for my school fees to see me fail constantly, maybe i could have discovered what i'm good at earlier, maybe i could have ended up somewhere i could see myself succeeding, maybe i could have achieve something to make people around me proud but i failed in doing so. My studies deteriorated, my gifts and talents are so far away for me to reach, i'm not bucking up in the new place i'm in, i'm not making people proud of me. All i could think of everyday is just get over and done with when i should be happy overcoming a day and learning something new. I want to at least leave a good impression, i want to at least do something right, i want to at least be able to answer questions i've been asked. But such a simple thing like this i just couldn't accomplish, that is why i doubt myself so much and people constantly ask why.
I'm sorry for being slow, i'm sorry for being such a bummer. I'm trying my best to do whatever i can to make it right but i'm just different, i learn things slowly at my own pace. I don't know why i just can't adapt fast, i got no idea why. And i hate myself for that, hate myself for always being so uninitiated, hate myself for being so slow at recovering things when its wrong. That is truly why i always stay rooted to where i am, because when i want to grow, i feel like i can never move forward or come out of my own comfort zone. Constant mistakes made, constant stupidity, constant speed. What am i? Who am i? I clearly do not know. I wish God could just sit down with me face to face and tell me what i'm all about. For 20 years, i have been searching. Searching for something that is not there. When i knock to seek for answers, all i get is just a simple piece of white paper with nothing written on it. We all have a purpose in life and it takes years to discover it. I know its not my turn yet but with what i have now, i just don't know what i can do. Always heading out alone to understand myself better, always finding ways to stay happy, always reminding myself to stay positive. Its as hard as i thought it would have been, so hard.
People around me, they are kind and patient. i want to do my upmost best in the things they can also succeed in, i don't want to fail cos i know it'll affect them. But because of me, people gets frustrated and tired of teaching me the right thing. I feel like i'm always the cost of problems in my life and in other people's life, forever being the black sheep and failure. I appreciate people who have been giving me good advices and always encouraging me through it all, i'm sorry that i have been complaining a lot on how life is so hard these days. I want to be positive as well, i want to understand why i'm going through this and stay inspired in things i feel motivated with. We all crave for such minds, but not everyone can take that step of Faith to endure it all. The devil never lets us go, he comes time and time again to visit us when we are celebrating an occasion. After all, an angry person wouldn't want to see us happy or see us succeed in life. They know themselves that they are not going to overcome it, therefore they pull people in with them. That's just life for you, happiness comes with a price. A price you can be able to fight against, or a price you can never live up to. Our mind is our worse enemy. When we say we can't, we really can't.
A new year is approaching, a new beginning is being written all over again. Rather than just sitting back and glimpsing through all the bad memory lane, i want to sit back and watch it flash by me and get it in my small mind that all these have made me a stronger person today. That no matter how much i break or shatter in the past, i could bring forward the memory to give me a learning lesson once again. Everyone knows, being positive isn't an easy task. It takes lots of courage to finally want to take that step to stay rooted to the brighter side, but i'm taking it anyways. I've given my word to God, that till the day i give my last breath, i want to do something great to the world and i want God to tell me that i'm a good and faithful servant and that i have done him proud. Its gonna take 10 years, 20 years or even 30 years. Years is just a number, it only counts when we are really taking the first stepping stone and the last stepping stone to end it all off. That's just what's life is all about, either you fall hard or you stay firmly to the ground. No one can kick you off in the position you're in, you only get kicked off because you chose to give it all up yourself. Stay firm and hold your ground, that's when the road ahead gets easier.
Remember, your life is a journey not a vacation.
Few months ago i was pretty much a happy person. I could still glimpse through those times i laughed so hard till i could barely breathe, one of those days i can never forget. After what i discovered among people, i can never see myself being around them anymore. Sometimes the sight of mankind just makes me so afraid, leading me to think what did i do to deserve all these. Truly, we can never understand ourselves and we can never understand others. That's just nature and no one can ever change that, we always assume we know someone so well but in fact, we really don't. Even if we know people for the longest of time, definitely there will be one secret that he or she will never ever tell till the day they die. All that we struggle with everyday of our lives, some people could clearly see it while some people couldn't. We can never blame those who refuse to be concerned or ask if we're okay or not, only God knows that they have their own struggles to attend to themselves. We are all humans, we get disappointed and we get discriminated everyday. No one can ever succeed in pleasing anyone, even if it is possible, it only last for awhile till the next storm comes again. True enough, not everyday is a good and succeeding day. Some of us have the worse day ever, some of us have the best day ever but it comes crumbling down after that.
I always wanted to give my greatest trust to people whom i'm really comfortable with but at that point of time when you realized that it was the biggest mistake you've ever made to trust that one person, your life just isn't the same anymore. The way you look at that particularly person just scares you so much, giving you that most unforgettable heartbreak ever. Being doubted by people around you, being looked down by people around you, being talked about by people around you. How much of my confidence can it deteriorate any further? Since the day i could clearly think of things around me, i noticed that i can never get anything done right. Whenever i did something good, something bad will without fail shoot me down. I know, we are all learning everyday. If we don't go through the storm now, we can never get to the other side after that. We try, we fail, we stand back up. That has always been my motto in life but sad enough, it isn't that easy at all. I wish i could discover my abilities, i wish i could solve my weaknesses, i wish i could recover back quickly after i make a mistake, i wish i was able to do things quickly and not waste anyone's time, i wish i was born a genius. We all wish that as well, but i guess i'm just one of them who learns slowly and get it right while some learns it fast and get it right.
I don't blame my parents or my circle of friends for whatever i'm unhappy with today. I blame myself for not being able to adapt well in school, for not being able to expose myself more to opportunities, for not being able to take that first step of Faith. I regret so many things in the past which i didn't do when i have the chance, now that its all gone i wish i could take it all back. Maybe my parents wouldn't have to pay so much for my school fees to see me fail constantly, maybe i could have discovered what i'm good at earlier, maybe i could have ended up somewhere i could see myself succeeding, maybe i could have achieve something to make people around me proud but i failed in doing so. My studies deteriorated, my gifts and talents are so far away for me to reach, i'm not bucking up in the new place i'm in, i'm not making people proud of me. All i could think of everyday is just get over and done with when i should be happy overcoming a day and learning something new. I want to at least leave a good impression, i want to at least do something right, i want to at least be able to answer questions i've been asked. But such a simple thing like this i just couldn't accomplish, that is why i doubt myself so much and people constantly ask why.
I'm sorry for being slow, i'm sorry for being such a bummer. I'm trying my best to do whatever i can to make it right but i'm just different, i learn things slowly at my own pace. I don't know why i just can't adapt fast, i got no idea why. And i hate myself for that, hate myself for always being so uninitiated, hate myself for being so slow at recovering things when its wrong. That is truly why i always stay rooted to where i am, because when i want to grow, i feel like i can never move forward or come out of my own comfort zone. Constant mistakes made, constant stupidity, constant speed. What am i? Who am i? I clearly do not know. I wish God could just sit down with me face to face and tell me what i'm all about. For 20 years, i have been searching. Searching for something that is not there. When i knock to seek for answers, all i get is just a simple piece of white paper with nothing written on it. We all have a purpose in life and it takes years to discover it. I know its not my turn yet but with what i have now, i just don't know what i can do. Always heading out alone to understand myself better, always finding ways to stay happy, always reminding myself to stay positive. Its as hard as i thought it would have been, so hard.
People around me, they are kind and patient. i want to do my upmost best in the things they can also succeed in, i don't want to fail cos i know it'll affect them. But because of me, people gets frustrated and tired of teaching me the right thing. I feel like i'm always the cost of problems in my life and in other people's life, forever being the black sheep and failure. I appreciate people who have been giving me good advices and always encouraging me through it all, i'm sorry that i have been complaining a lot on how life is so hard these days. I want to be positive as well, i want to understand why i'm going through this and stay inspired in things i feel motivated with. We all crave for such minds, but not everyone can take that step of Faith to endure it all. The devil never lets us go, he comes time and time again to visit us when we are celebrating an occasion. After all, an angry person wouldn't want to see us happy or see us succeed in life. They know themselves that they are not going to overcome it, therefore they pull people in with them. That's just life for you, happiness comes with a price. A price you can be able to fight against, or a price you can never live up to. Our mind is our worse enemy. When we say we can't, we really can't.
A new year is approaching, a new beginning is being written all over again. Rather than just sitting back and glimpsing through all the bad memory lane, i want to sit back and watch it flash by me and get it in my small mind that all these have made me a stronger person today. That no matter how much i break or shatter in the past, i could bring forward the memory to give me a learning lesson once again. Everyone knows, being positive isn't an easy task. It takes lots of courage to finally want to take that step to stay rooted to the brighter side, but i'm taking it anyways. I've given my word to God, that till the day i give my last breath, i want to do something great to the world and i want God to tell me that i'm a good and faithful servant and that i have done him proud. Its gonna take 10 years, 20 years or even 30 years. Years is just a number, it only counts when we are really taking the first stepping stone and the last stepping stone to end it all off. That's just what's life is all about, either you fall hard or you stay firmly to the ground. No one can kick you off in the position you're in, you only get kicked off because you chose to give it all up yourself. Stay firm and hold your ground, that's when the road ahead gets easier.
Remember, your life is a journey not a vacation.
No comments:
Post a Comment