Finding love.

Hey guys.

Pardon me for my long absence. Though i know school has already started for me few weeks ago, but there is really no excuses to begin with. I guess i didn't have much of a motivation to start a blog post since life has been pretty tough to live nowadays. But i'm back on track again, hopefully i didn't leave you guys hanging for too long. Not gonna type an essay telling you how miserable life was for me recently, i guess i just chose to live it that way and not think otherwise to be positive. Moral of the story, never let your emotions take control of you.

Well, let's start with the real topic i'm about to elaborate.

FINDING LOVE♡

Where do i start? I guess many of us here in this place wishes dearly for a fantasy-like relationship. Like how we watched dramas all day long just to have that feel of genuine rush for awhile imagining that we are part of the drama itself. I've been there and done that, it is still existing in me. I could watch idol dramas time and time again without limits. Despite knowing what the ending would be like, despite knowing that it is all just an illusion to trick people in believing that this kind of love do exists, i still love watching it. I know i know, time has changed a long time ago and real love stories ain't that pretty anymore. I guess why i love to drown myself in all these fantasy-like dramas is maybe because i couldn't create one myself. Being in a country full of discrimination and complains, society has already ruined me in my thinking. No one wants to live a life full of doubts and pain but the truth is, we ought to experience it once in a while to know what we are really missing out in life and to know where we really stand. In the end, everyone wants to hear what they desire and not accept the truth. 

In the past, i am always afraid to look beyond things. I'm always afraid to try out new things but kept myself in my own comfort zone to just feel safe. Relationship to me back in those days were just some scary thing for me cos i didn't know what love was since i came from a all girl school in Primary. Till the day i graduated to suddenly find myself in a mixed school in Secondary, i find it pretty hard to get use to it. Can you ever imagine being laughed at on the first day of school? Well, i hated it. Everyday was like a hell hole having to drag my feet to school. No one knows i was hurting, no one knows i was crying. Back then, i really hated the guys. If i could go back in time again, i would have kick them in the balls. But of cos, Secondary days ain't that bad after all. Things just got better for me cos i ended up being close with all the guys that made fun of me, i forgave but didn't forget. I realized, they aren't that bad actually. Guys can be an asshole at times but when you need a shoulder to cry on, they will definitely be there to listen and not judge. I honestly don't know how guys work, but i know for sure that they are a good listener.

You know, Secondary is full of couples here and there after you reach Sec 2. Nothing new for me cos i've seen my friends got into a relationship here and there but not me. Yes yes, i was like the ugliest piece of human flesh you can ever imagine. Though through the years some guys did wooed me before but i couldn't actually accept the fact that it is all real because if i wake up every morning looking myself in the mirror and scaring the shit outta myself, i can honestly say that my confidence level is not more than 0. I was afraid of relationship, like really afraid. When someone confesses to me, i would end up giving them a cold shoulder and i got no freakin' idea why i would do that. I truly felt sorry for the people whom i've hurt in the past but i guess now they understand why i rejected them, seeing how messed up i am now. Slowly graduating from Secondary, my social circle increased once i entered into College. Many cute and charming guys everywhere, followed by the most prettiest girl on the campus and being a girl it just slams me right down cos i know clearly i can never stand a chance in this school full of flowers.

Moreover, i was hardly noticed cos i was just too ridiculous. But honestly, as i grew older i realized that my guts has actually increase greatly. Instead of the guys asking me for my number, i went all out to get their number which end up being a stupid movement. Slowly, guys were taking my number here and there and my confidence level increased as well. It ended up being the most ugliest thing that happened to me. They said guys are visual animals, but i ended up being one as well. I would approach guys with good looks, try to get their attention, fall in love with them, then end up being the most silliest person on Earth. I've learned many things from my past experiences, i've let go of the people who truly cared for me, i rejected the ones who were really true from their hearts just because of my selfish thinking that i could get all the good-looking guys on the campus. I wasn't really looking for true love, i was actually ruining myself and my reputation. To come to think of it, i feel so ashamed and inhuman. All those who cared slowly left me, and i learned to never repeat the same mistakes ever again.

3 to 4 years has passed, i assume my thinking on stuff has improved. I started paying more attention to the ones who cared for me, not letting a glimpse sip through. I was selfish in the past, i chose to close my eyes to all the good things i was missing out. I experience, i regretted, now i move on. To me now, love is the most importantly thing. Without love, my emotions and feelings are all just concrete. I realized that good guys still do exists, some guys just decides to be the bad boys because nothing comes out positive being a good boy. 

So this is my message to all you guys out there : 

Maybe you have always been a good guy but ended up being friendzoned by the ones who meant the world to you. Seeing the love of your life falling in love with a guy you can never compete with. This is life for you, none of us are able to change the end and the beginning but live with it and accept it. Because of all the past hurts, never ever let go of that good guy in you. Never abandon that good qualities you have in you just to get more girls because you couldn't get her. I know some of you became a player not because you were born to be one, but because you let all those bad memories sink into you and bottom you up to who you are now. Give it time, nothing good ever comes in easy. Things that comes in easy for you is not exactly a good thing, those who wait will surely get what they desire. It is easier said than done, but don't ever lose hope. Always remember, a NO from someone is a YES to someone better. You'll never know who you'll end up being with, it is a beautiful thing.

Judging someone from their past doesn't define who they really are. There is always a specific reason why they decided to change. Like me in the past, i always approach good-looking guys that doesn't make sense at all. Ended up ruining my whole life completely just because of how highly i think i was which i know clearly its a lie. I guess i was blinded by my own insecurities, so blinded that i became selfish. Love is patient, love is kind. Don't ever expect to find true love at all the wrong places, it is never going to turn out how you expected it to be. I learned my lesson, i learned that guys are as fragile as we girls are. There are so many quotes on the internet saying never make a girl cry, never break their hearts but no one thought for a moment that guys are human as well. They process the same feeling as we girls have, just that we are more fragile physically. Some of us tend to vent out our anger saying he doesn't care, saying he doesn't give a shit. But what if i tell you, that you are wrong? 

Would you agree with me or would you hate me?

Note to self :

' If i am not a Victoria Secret model, how can i expect to look for an Abecrombie & Fitch guy? '