Changes.

Happy New Year everyone.

Seeing how the calendar changed makes me even more afraid than ever. Knowing the fact that a single digit on the year has moved wouldn't make any difference, it kills me so much. Last year in 2016, i once again thought i had it all. That everything was going to be nice and just as how i had planned accordingly. I never knew how crazy i sounded when i said i wanted a good and fruitful year, i didn't convince myself enough to make it happen. True enough, not everyone you meet is going to make your life a bed of roses. Is either they come in and teach you a life lesson, or they come in to take your last drop of happiness. For me, i can't deny i didn't have a good time on some days. But to calculate 365days to how much of shit i had to go through, its indescribable. Many of us on Earth goes through the same old shit everytime, just in different timings and different levels. I guess people love to compare all their pains and sufferings with one another, but they have never thought how each situation affects others differently. 'Have you thought about my feelings? I did this for you and lost everything.' 'I broke more bones in my body than you, i feel more pain.' The comparison never stops, it just keeps going on.

I lost a lot last year, i realised so many things at one go. Its like an army of humans just walking pass me and slapping me along the way, asking me to wake up over and over again. It made me think if this was really the life i deserved. Am i really a bad person that all this pain is dying to befall on me? Am i really a bad person that everything i do i fail terribly? Am i really a bad person that no one loves me for being me? I laid in bed this afternoon questioning my self-worth, asking God if He really did make the right decision of having me on board. He didn't gave me an answer, i just held onto my Bible so tightly and cried my eyes out. I was hoping that someone or something would save me out of this darkness cos i wasn't able to withstand it anymore. And i laid there, telling myself that no one is gonna come to my rescue because i have always been alone since day 1. Even in the most crowded room, i find myself feeling alone and dead inside. When people asked me if i'm alright, of cos i'm alright. No one really gives a shit on how you feel, they are just a bunch of curious human-beings. 

I feel sorry for Mum and Dad sometimes, when they are trying to hold a conversation with me because they know how badly bruised i was. But all i do, is just pushed them away with my harsh words and actions. I couldn't control my emotions, i couldn't tell them thank you. I didn't want them to see how broken their little daughter were, because they know i'm the strongest. Why? Why was i raised in a family that loves me so much but i myself couldn't love them enough? Why do i always hide my feelings from them and lie to them that i am happy with my life? Why do i put on a fake mask full of smiles and convince them that i am not broken? I am broken, i am sad, i am frustrated, i am angry. All that i couldn't bring myself in telling them, i am all of it. Every time when i looked into the mirror, i wanna be positive and tell the girl in the mirror that she is worthy and that she is loved by so many. But as soon as i left the mirror, the World tells me otherwise. My work told me that i was not going to make it far cos of the constant mistakes i make everytime, my relationship with friends told me that i wasn't good enough to begin with. That i was constantly pushing them away and neglecting them like they were nothing. My family told me that i wasn't a good and filial daughter, that my attitude is the worst. My relationship with my significant other told me that i am a mess, that i am the worse girlfriend. 

Do i have a choice? Yeah i probably do. I'm sick and tired of people always labelling me telling me how mess up i am. I was embracing my negativities, i was embracing all the shit i had to put up with, i was embracing all my past hurts. So why? Why does everyone have to remind me of all my flaws? Why does it have to hurt so much just to be the me i never once asked God to turn me in? Everything that comes out from someone's mouth is all about changes and more changes. Why does one have to change someone else so as to make themselves look good? If you're telling me you want me to change for good, i understand. But if you refuse to give me time, i will rebel. No one changes overnight, and you should be honoured that people are willing to change for you just to make you happy. I have lowered down my guts enough, i'm done. I'm drained from hearing shits about me, i'm drained from having to please everyone, i'm drained from being me. So whom shall i become? I'll become someone you want me to be, i'll become so flawless that no one will judge me anymore. But hey, always remember that if someone changes for you to your liking, another person dear to them will hate them for whom they have became. When the day comes where everyone starts leaving him/her, do not blame them for being fucked up for not being able to keep their close ones by their side. 

End of the day, people accept changes because they love you and is willing to go through all this just for you. So treasure them even more from now on, cos they have lost everything just to be with you. If all this isn't enough to make you stay for them, then they don't deserve you. You deserve someone who wouldn't make mistakes, you deserve someone who would listen to every word you tell them, you deserve someone who doesn't speak up for their own rights, you deserve someone who doesn't mind mental abuse, you deserve someone who is willing to lose his or her happiness just for you. When you manage to find the person with those criteria, congratulate yourself cos you have officially ruined their lives. The World is not always gonna be nice, you have to be nice yourself to make a change. Its harsh out there, too harsh. If loving someone is gonna take so much of effort, then don't love at all. Love is patient, love is kind. Love doesn't hurt at all, society has turned the word Love into something so negative and painful. But Love conquers all, love is the key. 

Love someone despite their flaws, because your love for them could mend them.

It almost mend me, but i fell apart again.