Love conquers all.

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One week ago, everything seems pretty fine. Maybe just a little up and down which i assume its normal. Its the starting of the new week, all of a sudden i could a gust of wind just blew me straight to the ground. Everything i once loved, everything i once had all my hopes and dreams on were gone. It was almost to the point that i have lost all my confidence and self-esteem to the maximum and nothing, nothing at all could ever make me better again. I kept asking myself 'what happen to you Pat? Why are you feeling this way?' True enough, i do not know what happened. I wish i could say what's on my mind, but my mouth just wouldn't speak. All these fears, all these demons, all these pain just slapped me right in my face every single day of the week. I was being suffocated with all these thoughts of not being good enough, of not being able to do good in what i'm capable of. I hide myself behind closed doors, screaming so loud inside of myself hoping someone could just save me right away but i was shutting everyone away. I was putting on all that beautiful mask to show that confidence i never had, to show that smile i never had. But behind those mask, i just wanna die so bad. 

I've got no words to say, no expression to show, i was dead.

We should all pull those people who we care and cared for us closer, but i shut them all off and want nothing to do with them. All i wanted to do was just curl up into a ball and cry. Mentally drain, so drained. Came to a point where i got so mad and i shouted so loudly to God, doubting Him and limiting Him the way no one should ever done. God was silent. I felt so alone, even when people were around me. All that was in my head, was just going thru the day and feeling nothing. Over the week, i screwed up so much. I couldn't bring myself to do the best that i could. I messed up at work, i messed up at home, i messed up myself. Soon after that, i realised i have mixed up all my messes to the outside World. I got so emotional, so hopeless, so mad. All in a day. Too many things were on my plate waiting to be cleared, day by day it all came piling on me and i couldn't do it anymore. There wasn't much that i could do, nothing left for me to feeling better again. But i continued to pray, everyday. I have never forgotten the one who made me who i am today, the one who took me in when i was at my worst. Though i was so mad at Him, but He stayed till the very end. Who am i to be mad? Just who am i? A God who would still love me as much no matter how many times i screw it up and sin. A God who forgives, when i do not deserve it. 

All these trial and tribulation in a week taught me so much. All of a sudden, flashbacks from the past came back to me. To how i treated people who really loved me with granted, to how i missed all the good values i could have but i refused to acknowledge it because of my ego. People labelled me as a slut, a bitch, someone to becareful of. I guess what they said is true, words are like razor blades. They could cut you so deep, so dam deep. No matter how people judges me, probably i was really one. From someone who use to be so quiet and sad all the time, to someone who became so loud and full of laughter. I really wanted to make people around me happy, like really proud to have me. But i couldn't fulfil it because i was so busy doing other stuff that was unappealing to others. I didn't wanted to care cos being myself was all that mattera, i was so selfish. But i was wrong, all along. I was the one who needed the most help. People who used to love me, left for good. Not because i wasn't a good person. But because i was hard to love, i was unable to differentiate all the good and bad that i was doing. I brought this upon myself, i carried those labels that were on me all the way till now. Everyone was trying to help me get rid of it, but i kept putting it back on. Now that those people are gone, and i'm complaining that no one's there. 

I love everyone in my life, i really do. I couldn't express how a normal person would usually do. Everytime i wanna say something nice and sincere, it comes off a different way. I do not know how to love, i sent out wrong meanings of it and made it seem like i'm a beast. I hate this so much, all that i can say and do but couldn't interpret it the right appropriate way. I could love just like everyone else, but i tend to love just to mend up all the holes inside me. I made used of love, and turned it into something ugly. Till this day, i still couldn't forgive myself for building up such ugly reputation. My mum brought me up in a way that i should be kind no matter how society kills me. But i held up that ego of mine and killed society cos i was mad, frustrated, angered. I let down so many people that was helping me, i pulled the trigger on them but blamed it on others to victimised myself. This isn't me at all, i was born a good girl. All the hurts that i have seen my mum gone thru, i would never wanna hurt anyone else. But i did, i hurt so many people. I wish i could turn back time and hold them close to me again, i wish i wasn't so selfish to just think about myself. I wanna love unconditionally, i wanna love with no limits, i wanna love and not hate. I've learnt the greatest lesson of all this week, a lesson i will never forget.

Love is a beautiful word, just that we humans turned it into something bad. I wanna love properly now, i wanna show the World that love conquers all. I wanna show that love can mend anything, i wanna show that love made us human. If we continue to love people despite their flaws, someday you will find your way into their heart. No matter how much you feel like someone do not deserve love, give it to them still. They could be dying behind those tough up suit, love them anyways. If everything else in this World dies, love still stays. Its time to make a turn in life, is time to shower people with love and make them feel whole again. It doesn't hurt nor harms, its a beautiful thing. To those people who refuse to love anymore, you deserve so much more than this. Fight this battle and win, cos i'm with you. I'm gonna love properly now, i'm gonna do it.