Pure Intentions.

Hey guys.

It has been over a year since i last blogged, i guess i lost myself somewhere and i've decided to find myself back again. Apologies to those who have been waiting for me to post, thank you once again for wanting to catch up with me. Days ahead is going to be hectic, so i doubt i'll have the chance to rant out and feel better.

 So here it goes, the story of my life.

Many events took place in my life this year in 2015. Its a combination of good, bad and really bad ones. True enough, i have never expected myself to be in this kind of crisis. I just thought maybe life would be a little easier since i have already set my mind in doing the things i wanna do. But i guess life took a step ahead and gave me the greatest lesson ever. As you guys know, i use to be in a relationship with the most awesome guy ever. This guy showed me what it was like to have everything, he showered me with so much of love that i can barely contain. To think back, it got me wondering what i did to deserve such blissful treatments. But of course, life isn't always that wonderful. On the days when you thought you have everything, the next day you just lost it all in a blink of an eye. This relationship came crumbling down like a flow of never-ending sadness. At that moment, i know i was lost. Like the whole world was collapsing and no one's there to rescue me, just me against the demons in my head. Every single night, i drowned myself in sorrows just maybe waiting for God to save me.

And then a voice whispered in my ears, ' You messed up again. '

I wasn't the best person for him, or anyone. All i did was just going around selling myself everywhere, not aware of my own limitations. People who knows me, understands my intention. But to the rest, i was or still am an attention seeking bitch. Why i did that? Because of revenge. To most, revenge in a relationship is the most childish act ever and i give my 100% agreement on it. But at that point of time, my mind was clouded with so much of negativity and insecurities that blinded me for a long time. After the relationship ended, i was trying so hard to find back all the love i've lost. I started downloading social media apps, i started finding people everywhere to make me feel complete again. But i know deep down inside, i became even emptier. A few of my friends supported me through thick and thin, some was bad-mouthing me thinking maybe i actually deserve it. I cannot deny, i created a whole lot of drama this year and i guess i'm not gonna hide it but embrace it and learn from it. I was not the best person to associate with, i was just full of hatred towards people who wronged me. All my actions and all my words started to overtake me and turned me into something i wasn't.

Then one day, i asked God : ' Father, what have i become? '

He didn't give me an answer directly, He actually revealed to me everything through all my encounters each day. Soon enough, one fine day i started to understand what He meant and what He was trying to tell me all along. I was going way too fast in life, i was directing myself in the wrong path and was too stubborn to change so i kinda assumed God let me learn the hard way. I was finding love at all the wrong places but my intention wasn't for lust or whatsoever, it was purely to feel loved again. I'm sure most people would understand this feeling, wanting to feel loved again. I advertised myself on social medias, i talked to so many guys in a day and i thought maybe this was how i wanted to live my life. Having so many texts each day makes me forget that i was moving on from someone i love so much, and truly it was helping me a lot. Somedays i even forgot i was moving on, i was just happy that my life was being occupied with social medias day in and day out. Not a day i would fail to log in, not a day people would fail to make me smile even when i don't even know them. I then realised, i have really moved on. I don't have the same feeling when i see him anymore, just a different feeling i cannot describe. It was the greatest achievement ever, i finally made it. I could boast all day, i have moved on! I have moved on!

Moving on was a bonus for me, but my values and worth was more important than anything else. Having those apps to keep me busy all day, i realised how much of time i have lost with the most important people in my life. The most regretful thing i have done is introducing them the app and they themselves got addicted to it. Then it goes, God did what he needs to do again. I became empty once again, i started getting bored of the app cos lesser people was talking to me and i was wishing so hard that someone would hit me up but it didn't happen. On one night, i went to a club and drank a little too much. I was wasting my whole life dancing to the beat of the song and having fun, not giving a heck to my surrounding. A few of my friends came to pick me up making sure that i was safe back home, and i am thankful for that. The next day when i woke up, it felt like i have woken up the second time. Suddenly all the past events started flashing in my mind and it was constant, like a movie playing on and on and on. I was supposed to break down, but i didn't. I was trying to understand what all this was about and came to a conclusion. I became someone else overnight, its feels like God moulded me when i was asleep that night. There were so many voices in my head trying to assure me, trying to reach out to me, trying to help me fight the demons in my mind. All that i didn't thought of, suddenly came to past and made me reflect on myself. All the answers in my head, it was all new to me and i was shock myself.

' You are worthy, Patricia '

' Stop finding love, love will find you. '

' Why do you wanna show yourself to the world? '

' Love yourself, appreciate yourself. '

' People is there for you, find yourself back for them. '

' Don't lose yourself, this is not you. '

I was not being myself the whole time, social media changed me to someone i wasn't fit for. In fact, i was showing myself to the world that i am such an easy person. That i could get myself lots of attention behind all those makeups and lens. This time, i really woke up. I immediately took my phone and deleted all the apps, i stopped all conversation with guys who got my number. I don't know why i did it, it didn't seem like its Patricia at all. The next day, i went to my friends and asked them to delete the app. They didn't ask for a reason, they just deleted it and i was really happy cause it felt like i was doing the right thing for the first time. A few days went by and my phone was quiet. The past me would be so sad that no one texted me, but this time i wasn't even vexing over it. In fact, i was busy hanging out with my good friends playing fifa and going crazy the whole day. My phone didn't matter at all, it was so quiet and i was happy. I started doing things that i love, i started giving my attention to those people who matters. It was the most amazing feeling ever, once in my life this actually happened to me. The most unbelievable thing was, i started having a more positive mindset and started building up the love and appreciation for myself. Even till now, i am proud to say it has changed me completely.

Today, i have stopped relying my happiness on anyone but myself. I have learned to love myself for who i am and stop degrading myself just cos of the words people labelled me. I came to a conclusion that words may hurt, but it doesn't mean it defines me. In order for someone to love the you you are, first we have to love ourselves. The past months, i have lost so much of my worthiness and values. Now, i am recovering them back day by day and filling up the love for myself. No matter how people tries to bring down, i guess its really okay. Cos at the end of the day, i know i have God to remind me that i am precious to him. Moreover, its really okay if people label you words that you're not. As long as you know your true intentions and still do good anyways that's all it matters. Even when the whole world goes against you, never stop doing good. Do not bring yourself down and destroy your real personality of who you really are, secure that identity and be grateful.

'My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you’ve been mean to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.'
— Laurell K. Hamilton