Hey guys.
Have you ever been laughed at so hard that you wish you could take a burning chair and land it on someone else's face? Well. If you ask me, i would reply you that it had happened for almost my whole life. Until now, i still don't understand how people in this society can be so mean and heartless. You know, throughout my life, things wasn't as easy as i thought it'll be. I always assume that things will go smoothly for me once i move myself into another new environment, but i can never be so wrong. All i ever wanted was to just live my life studying real hard and fulfilling what i have to, but it seems that most people around me have pushed my guts and courage down. The fact that people in this society are so spoiled and corrupted, i can never blame anyone but myself for being so weak and fragile. I guess it isn't wrong to have a little flaw or imperfection here and there, what matters most is people around you are willing to accept the way you are because you are who you are and no one can ever change that. But sometimes things can get pretty difficult to deal with and all we can ever do is just breakdown and cry.
I wish i could be like all the other girls i see on the street everyday, i wish i could be rich enough to buy myself a car to drive to anywhere, i wish i could have all the talents possible to be well-known all over the world, i wish i could have the smallest thighs and arms and look just like Megan Foxx. All these are the things i wish but i can't have, simply because i don't have what it takes and i don't have the facilities for it. We all question ourselves every single day thinking why we can't have this and that or why we can't be this and that, no one can specifically tell us the right answer we desire to hear. After all, we're leaving in reality and reality suck up our souls everyday. When one thing is over, another one comes. Life is a never ending battle, is either we go out there and fight or we just stand down and give up. Me? I always choose the wrong path, i choose to give up cos its so much easier for me. Despite knowing how much it hurts, i just decided to keep it to myself and self-destruct. I don't want people around me to know that their words can leave a deep impact in me, is either you can bring me up or you can bring me down on my knees. Just a discourage word from someone, i'll be surrendering my whole life into your face.
Everyone lives by feelings, but i live in fear. I don't know just how long i can still endure this, its killing me so badly. I've said this many times, i am not bulletproof. Just like everyone else, i break and fall. People whom are close to me know how fragile i am no matter how tough i try to act upfront, they know my every flaws and imperfections. Some used it against me, some made me realized i can overcome it again. The people who judged me over and over again, are unexpectedly people whom i regard as my family. Many times it happened and i chose to ignore it because i didn't think that it was worth it to ruin a friendship i dear so much but you know, when it all gets way out of hand, there's nothing you can still deal with but burst out in anger. I know my flaws, i know my imperfection. I live in it everyday of my life, only when people like you come along and blurp out a simple judgement, that's when i know you can never be trusted ever again. You broke me once, and then you broke me again. Have i not had enough of scars from the past? Just why? Why would someone i once dear do this to me?
This is the many reason why i close myself up everytime, running away and leaving unsolved things aside. What else can i possibly do? The people i love most hurt me so badly, its like a rusty knife just pierced through my heart. I chose to be happy, i chose to be crazy, i chose to joke and laugh about every judgement made and because of this, you take advantage of all my humorous action and didn't think for a moment that you all were going way too far beyond. I laughed, because it was easier to move out from the situation. After that when everyone's gone, you all should be there to see how i brokedown and teared. I am very sure that your guiltiness will be written all over your faces. Just because i joked about my imperfection, it doesn't give you any damn rights to go on further because you assumed that i am forever fine with it. Then let me make this clear to you, I AM NOT FINE AT ALL. I die a million times when each judgement came, i felt let down, i felt dead right at that moment. It feels like a hell zone, it feels like a battlefield, it feels like a furnace, it feels like a never ending battle, it feels......tiring.
We are all going through a trial right now, we are supposed to hold on to the ones who are weak. At this point of time, it is not a fight between your own people. We are supposed to fight this battle together but now, it all seems like i'm fighting on my own. I don't see a family i once saw 1 year ago, one day i might just leave just like everyone else. I will not hesitate to do that, because i dislike living around with people who are judgmental towards their own kind and people who are just there to bring me down with their disgraceful and disrespectful words. I'm telling you, just because i laughed about almost everything, it doesn't give you the privileged to make use of it and make me a laughing stock. I am that close in leaving, i am that close in giving up, i am that close in changing into someone else. I'm not some kid trying to rant shit on my blog to attract attention from anywhere, i'm a human-being with feelings that no one once give a damn about.
Some might say i'm taking things too personally, some might say i'm being too sensitive, some might say its all just a joke and i took it too seriously, some might say i've got attitude issues. But i will say to you, you are so damn right. My heart is too fragile to handle such jokes, because my past was scarred enough and you are adding on to it.
End of story.
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