My life.

Hey guys.

I guess everyone is bothered about the recent haze issue but i guess everything is going to be okay eventually since the government is doing something about it, i hope. Seems like the change in the PSI readings are decreasing so i assumed it is getting better now, hopefully everything will go back to its normal pace again and everyone will stop being sick and dull because of the impromptu situation. So please drink plenty of water even if it is getting better, the government didn't promise us that the haze will go away soon but please be healthy anyways. 

Well, today's topic is not about me broadcasting about the haze issue. Just some personal thoughts i had in my mind which i find it best to just let it all out and feel better a little. Guess some of you will be able to understand how i feel while some of you won't, but it doesn't matter. I just need some space to let my thoughts out since its bothering me so much and i feel pretty much down about it. So bear with me a little and hear me out.

 

I don't know if its just me or does most of you out there somehow feel like life is just so difficult to live sometimes? Everytime i try to stop for awhile to think of the good things that happened, i somehow seems to mix the bad and the good together. I tried to take a step back and learn to appreciate the little things, i tried to smile about it because it happened. Then out from no where, a bad thought came into my mind and ruin everything. I have always been a very strong girl trying my hardest to overcome any obstacles in my life, i have always been a very cheerful girl to hide away all my unhappiness inside of me. But at some point of time, i find it so hard to let it go. Like as if i am planting a time-bomb inside of me and it will eventually explode. I wish i was stronger, i wish i wasn't that easy to break, i wish my heart was harder. But no, i tend to fall easily and break easily. Just one bad situation can ruin me inside out, that is just how much of a failure i am to myself. Many people see me as a strong and lively girl because of how i laughed and how much i can take but deep down inside, i'm just a broken girl trying to find my way back. It sounds like i'm writing a novel, but my life has always been scary for me.

What scares me most is having to go out and face the world, it may sound so ridiculous but i am really afraid. Everywhere i go, i see people being so happy, i see people enjoying life like they should, i see people having someone they care about next to them, i see people being so beautiful and slim, i see people living their life full of purposes. Me? Just living my life envying each one of them, i can never stop for a moment not being envious when i head out. I wish i could feel the same way how people around me felt, but i guess i'm just too hard to understand even towards myself. Many people told me not to look down on myself, not to underestimate all the things i cannot do. Not like i didn't try, i did. I tried looking in the mirror, encouraging and praising myself but it all ran out soon after. I tried looking good by exercising and eating right, but it just wouldn't work. I tried loving someone with all my heart, but got rejected. I tried doing a good job in everything, but got reprimanded. This is just me, against the world. I can never do anything that will make me feel like i've accomplished it, its always a failing feeling that i can never get rid of. Its just it was planted in me ever since i was born, failure over and over again.

That's why i'm always happy when someone tells me that they have accomplished something. Like how they have been promoted, like how they were chosen for something big, like how they manage to win someone's heart, like how everything in their life are going great. I feel really happy to hear things like that, for me is like having no happiness in me but feeling so happy for people who are happy. It might not seem like it is, but i do put people first before myself. Some people see me as selfish, some people see me as an irritant, some people see me as an attention seeker. Maybe i am, but i do have something in me that i wish i could reveal. That is my fragile and broken heart, something that no one can see. I may seem like i got it all but in fact, i lost a lot of things in life and all the things in life are what i treasured the most. I don't know why things can seem so bad for me when its just so small, i just don't know. That's the reason why i love being around with people cos they just make me forget about everything like it didn't exist at all. That's the reason why i laughed so much on an unanticipated day without an apparent reason, i always thought i was a very good actress to cover and curl up all my emotions.

But now, it seems like things are changing a little. Seems like i'm moving away from people and avoiding them as much as possible, seems like i'm running away from all the situation that needs to be solved, seems like i'm making my heart get use to all the discrimination around me, seems like i'm giving up on a lot of things lately. I've been even praying hard to migrate out of this place to another country so as to start all over again, but i lack on too much of things to accomplish that. I want to go to a far away place to start a new life, to meet new people, to do new things, to realize what i'm good at. But despite all that, i've promised myself to earn lots of money and leave this place for a long getaway. Maybe one day i'll have enough money to travel all around the globe to explore more meaningful things and come back with a more confident self. It would be even greater if i have sponsors to sponsor me to travel, but i guess i still lack of many things as usual. I want to be changed, i want to be bulletproof but its going to be a tough road ahead. No one said it was going to be easy but as long as i set a goal for myself, i'm sure i'll be able to overcome it. So much of things in life that i can't change back then, but only my future. I don't want to screw it up again, i want to be persistent and persevere my way through this whole long run.

Its going to take 5 years, 10 years to fulfill what i really want. But if i can live till then, why not. I've gone through so much of unpredictful events, if i can overcome it till now, i don't see why i can't overcome what's ahead of me. I may be down on my mood right now, but things will start to clear eventually. If life has its beginning, then it'll have its ending. Until the day i take my last breath, i want to accomplish something i thought i'll never accomplish. I want to do something that will leave an impact on people, i want to be seen as a person who is ready to take on a new level. I guess i'll have to work harder from now on because miracle is another name for hardwork.

So you readers out there, how do you feel about your own life? Care to share?

Email me @ Pat_93BIP@hotmail.com