Nothing left.

Hey guys.

There are so many things on my mind, and i wish i could clear it all at once and be at ease for awhile.

 Social media has became the only place where i could throw all my anger, all my pain, all my thoughts without knowing how people would view me unless they come up to me personally to tell me. But whatever it is, i want to feel better. I want to stop complaining and just move on to being happy because there's nothing i could do right now to make myself feel better. We made many mistakes in life, we created chaos that shouldn't have ever existed. But what are we supposed to do? Some things just happens, even without our control. 

People around me, i feel them leaving already. I may tweet about me not caring who left in my life but true enough, i'm hurting. I tried many ways to make them stay, but my best was never enough. The fact is, i miss everyone. I miss everyone who use to be so close to me, i miss everyone who used to care for me. And just like that, i let them go, i mess them up. Everything that i did, just got people further away from me. In school, outside, everywhere. I took advantage of people who were so good to me, i do not know how to appreciate. Only when they are gone, that's when i start to realise that i've made the biggest mistake of all time. I then start to question myself, why am i like that? Why am i so selfish? Why am i so pathetic? 

A simple thing i just couldn't do it right. True enough, i'm not worth much. I'm not good enough, i'm never going to fulfil my purpose in life. I couldn't keep people around me close to me, they just slip off from my hands so easily just like that. I pray all night to God, asking him if there's anything wrong with me. I ask him to forgive me for not being able to match up, for not being able to be good enough for anything. People see me all happy and crazy, but am i really happy? No. Just like any comedian, i could make people laugh, i could make people go crazy. That's because i used all my pain and insecurities to turn it into something funny so people could laugh and be happy. When i'm alone, what am i? I'm just me. The me who is always tired of herself, the me who is always crying for no reason, the me who is full of negative thoughts.

 I lock myself up, i sit in the dark, i talk to God, i cry. Friends around me are trying so hard to help me, be it being harsh or being polite. I want to know what i'm really capable of, i want to know how happiness really works, i want people to hug me tight and tell me that they'll be there. I do not have many friends, people assumed i do. People assumed i'm popular, people assumed i'm happy, people assumed i'm really who i am on the outside. The fact is, i am none of the above. I'm downright negative, downright hurting everytime. The reason why i don't show much, is because i'm already enough to be a burden. Why should i make it even worse when clearly not much people would give a heck? Everyone's tired of me always being this way, everyone is. 

Right now, i just wish i could go back in time to correct what i did wrong. I'm sorry for pushing people away, i'm sorry for being someone whom i'm not, i'm sorry that i can never feel better no matter how much i've been helped, i'm sorry for letting you go. I'm hurting, im crying, i'm helpless. Everyone else is, so why am i the only one complaining? Because people know how to turn something sad into something beneficial, whereas for me, i make the slightest thing into a battlefield. So please, someone help me get through this. Help me to change, help me to do better, help me to get rid of the devil in me. I'm clueless, i'm exhausted. 

Where do i stand?