I'm done.

Everyone's complaining so much about life, but no one had any idea what causes it. In the past, most of the things was being handled with care and there wasn't much to worry about. But as life catches up with us, we know clearly we can never run away from it. The more we try to avoid and hide ourselves from all the problems arising, the more hurdles and obstacles grow continuously. Sometimes things get way too out of hand then next thing you know, you are left there on the concrete floor crying out for help but no one's there to hear you.

Throughout my life, i've been trying so hard to find my position. I've been trying so hard to fit into society when i know clearly, i do not stand a chance anywhere. Every new encounters i go through, every new mistakes i make. I hop from places after places trying to figure out how to live my life accordingly but true enough, i can never stay long. I see people around me succeeding in life, i see people around me fulfilling what they wished for, i see people around me sharing their testimony. Whereas me, i still couldn't see where i stand exactly. 

Few years ago, a friend of mine prophesied for me through her vision that was a gift from God. I was still a Childcare Teacher back then. In her vision, she shared with me that i was made for greater things. More greater than me just being a Childcare Teacher, and that i could do so much more than this. In my heart that time, i could never understand or bring about how was that going to ever happen. I left the job eventually and went to pursue for a higher education and i got in. After months of studying, going for classes, going for attachment, i soon realised how happy i was. But just like how the storm do not last forever, the clear sky too, do not last forever. Things just started to get difficult, like a sudden gust of never-ending war everyday.

Me being the oldest in class, i don't know if i was ever being thought of as a good role model. In reality, being the oldest means you have more experiences in things and have more wisdom and patience to whatever problems or situations. Also being the most mature and setting the best examples to the younger ones. But true enough, i didn't give myself this kind of chance to begin with. I was never good enough in class, i was never the matured one, i was never the respected one, i was never the one who could pour fourth wisdom to anyone. Instead, the younger ones were the most matured and smart. Whereas i'm the one listening and learning from them everytime. I came to realise that age was really just a number, doesn't mean being the oldest means you have every value of being an adult. I felt demoralised, i felt like i couldn't deal with situation maturely. 

True enough, being angry is an emotion. Is a way of expressing a feeling that you can never handle anymore inside and without knowing it, you just burst into flames and no one asked why. Soon after that, people started labelling you as the sensitive one, the attitude one, the one who couldn't control his/her emotion. But deep down inside, you know clearly you didn't really want to burst out. And the words you received from people after bursting out hurts you even more. Things like : ' Why are you being so sensitive?' ' Just a small problem and you made it into something so huge. ' Stop showing your emotion. ' ' Be mature. ' ' You're being so unreasonable. '

No one ask why, no one bothered to hear from both sides. A situation they saw, becomes the situation as it is in their minds. I got so much to say, i could list down a whole essay to why people get angry. But no one will ever bother to hear me out because i'm just that girl in class where i should be the matured one but i wasn't. I did all that i could to please people around me when i know obviously i shouldn't but still did it anyways. At the end of the day, what do i get back? I don't mind not receiving  back any positive comments or any freakin' praises from anyone, i don't live by that rules. I believe the more i give, the more i'll get eventually. But one thing i need, is just a little respect. Respect begets respect, if i give you my respect please give me your respect too. 

I'm not a feelingless puppet doll, just like you i got my feelings as well. Whatever words you say, whatever things you do. Always know that i react to it differently and if i burst out one fine day, don't tell me i'm sensitive. Don't tell me to freakin' relax cos its not the best situation to 'relax' upon. Instead, ask me why and i'll tell you why. Reflect back at yourself on what you did to me before labelling me as a sensitive person. I battle everyday with your words and your actions in school, just because others was able to endure what you did to them, please do not assume that i am the same. Different people react to different situation, and if you go way to overboard which i doubt you'll ever realised, don't blame me for being the asshole i've showed myself onto you. Everyone got their limits and my limits are up, rather than telling me why am i so sensitive, start asking yourself if you are the one who started the fire. Your words are like poison and i drink it everyday, and i'm dying.

From now on, i will not burst out anymore. From now on, i'll be that little angel you never thought i'll be. I'll be the matured one and prove it to you. Whatever words that you said once more to me, i will just smile. And note to you, always remember this smile. I will go with the flow to wherever it brings me to, i will not be who i am now anymore. I will pray my hardest to God to turn me into a feelingless puppet doll as you wish, the hardening of my heart will change me and you will sit back and watch me grow. When it happens, do not ever question me why. Do not ever ask me what happened to me, because YOU happened to me.