Changes.

Happy New Year everyone.

Seeing how the calendar changed makes me even more afraid than ever. Knowing the fact that a single digit on the year has moved wouldn't make any difference, it kills me so much. Last year in 2016, i once again thought i had it all. That everything was going to be nice and just as how i had planned accordingly. I never knew how crazy i sounded when i said i wanted a good and fruitful year, i didn't convince myself enough to make it happen. True enough, not everyone you meet is going to make your life a bed of roses. Is either they come in and teach you a life lesson, or they come in to take your last drop of happiness. For me, i can't deny i didn't have a good time on some days. But to calculate 365days to how much of shit i had to go through, its indescribable. Many of us on Earth goes through the same old shit everytime, just in different timings and different levels. I guess people love to compare all their pains and sufferings with one another, but they have never thought how each situation affects others differently. 'Have you thought about my feelings? I did this for you and lost everything.' 'I broke more bones in my body than you, i feel more pain.' The comparison never stops, it just keeps going on.

I lost a lot last year, i realised so many things at one go. Its like an army of humans just walking pass me and slapping me along the way, asking me to wake up over and over again. It made me think if this was really the life i deserved. Am i really a bad person that all this pain is dying to befall on me? Am i really a bad person that everything i do i fail terribly? Am i really a bad person that no one loves me for being me? I laid in bed this afternoon questioning my self-worth, asking God if He really did make the right decision of having me on board. He didn't gave me an answer, i just held onto my Bible so tightly and cried my eyes out. I was hoping that someone or something would save me out of this darkness cos i wasn't able to withstand it anymore. And i laid there, telling myself that no one is gonna come to my rescue because i have always been alone since day 1. Even in the most crowded room, i find myself feeling alone and dead inside. When people asked me if i'm alright, of cos i'm alright. No one really gives a shit on how you feel, they are just a bunch of curious human-beings. 

I feel sorry for Mum and Dad sometimes, when they are trying to hold a conversation with me because they know how badly bruised i was. But all i do, is just pushed them away with my harsh words and actions. I couldn't control my emotions, i couldn't tell them thank you. I didn't want them to see how broken their little daughter were, because they know i'm the strongest. Why? Why was i raised in a family that loves me so much but i myself couldn't love them enough? Why do i always hide my feelings from them and lie to them that i am happy with my life? Why do i put on a fake mask full of smiles and convince them that i am not broken? I am broken, i am sad, i am frustrated, i am angry. All that i couldn't bring myself in telling them, i am all of it. Every time when i looked into the mirror, i wanna be positive and tell the girl in the mirror that she is worthy and that she is loved by so many. But as soon as i left the mirror, the World tells me otherwise. My work told me that i was not going to make it far cos of the constant mistakes i make everytime, my relationship with friends told me that i wasn't good enough to begin with. That i was constantly pushing them away and neglecting them like they were nothing. My family told me that i wasn't a good and filial daughter, that my attitude is the worst. My relationship with my significant other told me that i am a mess, that i am the worse girlfriend. 

Do i have a choice? Yeah i probably do. I'm sick and tired of people always labelling me telling me how mess up i am. I was embracing my negativities, i was embracing all the shit i had to put up with, i was embracing all my past hurts. So why? Why does everyone have to remind me of all my flaws? Why does it have to hurt so much just to be the me i never once asked God to turn me in? Everything that comes out from someone's mouth is all about changes and more changes. Why does one have to change someone else so as to make themselves look good? If you're telling me you want me to change for good, i understand. But if you refuse to give me time, i will rebel. No one changes overnight, and you should be honoured that people are willing to change for you just to make you happy. I have lowered down my guts enough, i'm done. I'm drained from hearing shits about me, i'm drained from having to please everyone, i'm drained from being me. So whom shall i become? I'll become someone you want me to be, i'll become so flawless that no one will judge me anymore. But hey, always remember that if someone changes for you to your liking, another person dear to them will hate them for whom they have became. When the day comes where everyone starts leaving him/her, do not blame them for being fucked up for not being able to keep their close ones by their side. 

End of the day, people accept changes because they love you and is willing to go through all this just for you. So treasure them even more from now on, cos they have lost everything just to be with you. If all this isn't enough to make you stay for them, then they don't deserve you. You deserve someone who wouldn't make mistakes, you deserve someone who would listen to every word you tell them, you deserve someone who doesn't speak up for their own rights, you deserve someone who doesn't mind mental abuse, you deserve someone who is willing to lose his or her happiness just for you. When you manage to find the person with those criteria, congratulate yourself cos you have officially ruined their lives. The World is not always gonna be nice, you have to be nice yourself to make a change. Its harsh out there, too harsh. If loving someone is gonna take so much of effort, then don't love at all. Love is patient, love is kind. Love doesn't hurt at all, society has turned the word Love into something so negative and painful. But Love conquers all, love is the key. 

Love someone despite their flaws, because your love for them could mend them.

It almost mend me, but i fell apart again.

Love conquers all.

-

One week ago, everything seems pretty fine. Maybe just a little up and down which i assume its normal. Its the starting of the new week, all of a sudden i could a gust of wind just blew me straight to the ground. Everything i once loved, everything i once had all my hopes and dreams on were gone. It was almost to the point that i have lost all my confidence and self-esteem to the maximum and nothing, nothing at all could ever make me better again. I kept asking myself 'what happen to you Pat? Why are you feeling this way?' True enough, i do not know what happened. I wish i could say what's on my mind, but my mouth just wouldn't speak. All these fears, all these demons, all these pain just slapped me right in my face every single day of the week. I was being suffocated with all these thoughts of not being good enough, of not being able to do good in what i'm capable of. I hide myself behind closed doors, screaming so loud inside of myself hoping someone could just save me right away but i was shutting everyone away. I was putting on all that beautiful mask to show that confidence i never had, to show that smile i never had. But behind those mask, i just wanna die so bad. 

I've got no words to say, no expression to show, i was dead.

We should all pull those people who we care and cared for us closer, but i shut them all off and want nothing to do with them. All i wanted to do was just curl up into a ball and cry. Mentally drain, so drained. Came to a point where i got so mad and i shouted so loudly to God, doubting Him and limiting Him the way no one should ever done. God was silent. I felt so alone, even when people were around me. All that was in my head, was just going thru the day and feeling nothing. Over the week, i screwed up so much. I couldn't bring myself to do the best that i could. I messed up at work, i messed up at home, i messed up myself. Soon after that, i realised i have mixed up all my messes to the outside World. I got so emotional, so hopeless, so mad. All in a day. Too many things were on my plate waiting to be cleared, day by day it all came piling on me and i couldn't do it anymore. There wasn't much that i could do, nothing left for me to feeling better again. But i continued to pray, everyday. I have never forgotten the one who made me who i am today, the one who took me in when i was at my worst. Though i was so mad at Him, but He stayed till the very end. Who am i to be mad? Just who am i? A God who would still love me as much no matter how many times i screw it up and sin. A God who forgives, when i do not deserve it. 

All these trial and tribulation in a week taught me so much. All of a sudden, flashbacks from the past came back to me. To how i treated people who really loved me with granted, to how i missed all the good values i could have but i refused to acknowledge it because of my ego. People labelled me as a slut, a bitch, someone to becareful of. I guess what they said is true, words are like razor blades. They could cut you so deep, so dam deep. No matter how people judges me, probably i was really one. From someone who use to be so quiet and sad all the time, to someone who became so loud and full of laughter. I really wanted to make people around me happy, like really proud to have me. But i couldn't fulfil it because i was so busy doing other stuff that was unappealing to others. I didn't wanted to care cos being myself was all that mattera, i was so selfish. But i was wrong, all along. I was the one who needed the most help. People who used to love me, left for good. Not because i wasn't a good person. But because i was hard to love, i was unable to differentiate all the good and bad that i was doing. I brought this upon myself, i carried those labels that were on me all the way till now. Everyone was trying to help me get rid of it, but i kept putting it back on. Now that those people are gone, and i'm complaining that no one's there. 

I love everyone in my life, i really do. I couldn't express how a normal person would usually do. Everytime i wanna say something nice and sincere, it comes off a different way. I do not know how to love, i sent out wrong meanings of it and made it seem like i'm a beast. I hate this so much, all that i can say and do but couldn't interpret it the right appropriate way. I could love just like everyone else, but i tend to love just to mend up all the holes inside me. I made used of love, and turned it into something ugly. Till this day, i still couldn't forgive myself for building up such ugly reputation. My mum brought me up in a way that i should be kind no matter how society kills me. But i held up that ego of mine and killed society cos i was mad, frustrated, angered. I let down so many people that was helping me, i pulled the trigger on them but blamed it on others to victimised myself. This isn't me at all, i was born a good girl. All the hurts that i have seen my mum gone thru, i would never wanna hurt anyone else. But i did, i hurt so many people. I wish i could turn back time and hold them close to me again, i wish i wasn't so selfish to just think about myself. I wanna love unconditionally, i wanna love with no limits, i wanna love and not hate. I've learnt the greatest lesson of all this week, a lesson i will never forget.

Love is a beautiful word, just that we humans turned it into something bad. I wanna love properly now, i wanna show the World that love conquers all. I wanna show that love can mend anything, i wanna show that love made us human. If we continue to love people despite their flaws, someday you will find your way into their heart. No matter how much you feel like someone do not deserve love, give it to them still. They could be dying behind those tough up suit, love them anyways. If everything else in this World dies, love still stays. Its time to make a turn in life, is time to shower people with love and make them feel whole again. It doesn't hurt nor harms, its a beautiful thing. To those people who refuse to love anymore, you deserve so much more than this. Fight this battle and win, cos i'm with you. I'm gonna love properly now, i'm gonna do it.

Pure Intentions.

Hey guys.

It has been over a year since i last blogged, i guess i lost myself somewhere and i've decided to find myself back again. Apologies to those who have been waiting for me to post, thank you once again for wanting to catch up with me. Days ahead is going to be hectic, so i doubt i'll have the chance to rant out and feel better.

 So here it goes, the story of my life.

Many events took place in my life this year in 2015. Its a combination of good, bad and really bad ones. True enough, i have never expected myself to be in this kind of crisis. I just thought maybe life would be a little easier since i have already set my mind in doing the things i wanna do. But i guess life took a step ahead and gave me the greatest lesson ever. As you guys know, i use to be in a relationship with the most awesome guy ever. This guy showed me what it was like to have everything, he showered me with so much of love that i can barely contain. To think back, it got me wondering what i did to deserve such blissful treatments. But of course, life isn't always that wonderful. On the days when you thought you have everything, the next day you just lost it all in a blink of an eye. This relationship came crumbling down like a flow of never-ending sadness. At that moment, i know i was lost. Like the whole world was collapsing and no one's there to rescue me, just me against the demons in my head. Every single night, i drowned myself in sorrows just maybe waiting for God to save me.

And then a voice whispered in my ears, ' You messed up again. '

I wasn't the best person for him, or anyone. All i did was just going around selling myself everywhere, not aware of my own limitations. People who knows me, understands my intention. But to the rest, i was or still am an attention seeking bitch. Why i did that? Because of revenge. To most, revenge in a relationship is the most childish act ever and i give my 100% agreement on it. But at that point of time, my mind was clouded with so much of negativity and insecurities that blinded me for a long time. After the relationship ended, i was trying so hard to find back all the love i've lost. I started downloading social media apps, i started finding people everywhere to make me feel complete again. But i know deep down inside, i became even emptier. A few of my friends supported me through thick and thin, some was bad-mouthing me thinking maybe i actually deserve it. I cannot deny, i created a whole lot of drama this year and i guess i'm not gonna hide it but embrace it and learn from it. I was not the best person to associate with, i was just full of hatred towards people who wronged me. All my actions and all my words started to overtake me and turned me into something i wasn't.

Then one day, i asked God : ' Father, what have i become? '

He didn't give me an answer directly, He actually revealed to me everything through all my encounters each day. Soon enough, one fine day i started to understand what He meant and what He was trying to tell me all along. I was going way too fast in life, i was directing myself in the wrong path and was too stubborn to change so i kinda assumed God let me learn the hard way. I was finding love at all the wrong places but my intention wasn't for lust or whatsoever, it was purely to feel loved again. I'm sure most people would understand this feeling, wanting to feel loved again. I advertised myself on social medias, i talked to so many guys in a day and i thought maybe this was how i wanted to live my life. Having so many texts each day makes me forget that i was moving on from someone i love so much, and truly it was helping me a lot. Somedays i even forgot i was moving on, i was just happy that my life was being occupied with social medias day in and day out. Not a day i would fail to log in, not a day people would fail to make me smile even when i don't even know them. I then realised, i have really moved on. I don't have the same feeling when i see him anymore, just a different feeling i cannot describe. It was the greatest achievement ever, i finally made it. I could boast all day, i have moved on! I have moved on!

Moving on was a bonus for me, but my values and worth was more important than anything else. Having those apps to keep me busy all day, i realised how much of time i have lost with the most important people in my life. The most regretful thing i have done is introducing them the app and they themselves got addicted to it. Then it goes, God did what he needs to do again. I became empty once again, i started getting bored of the app cos lesser people was talking to me and i was wishing so hard that someone would hit me up but it didn't happen. On one night, i went to a club and drank a little too much. I was wasting my whole life dancing to the beat of the song and having fun, not giving a heck to my surrounding. A few of my friends came to pick me up making sure that i was safe back home, and i am thankful for that. The next day when i woke up, it felt like i have woken up the second time. Suddenly all the past events started flashing in my mind and it was constant, like a movie playing on and on and on. I was supposed to break down, but i didn't. I was trying to understand what all this was about and came to a conclusion. I became someone else overnight, its feels like God moulded me when i was asleep that night. There were so many voices in my head trying to assure me, trying to reach out to me, trying to help me fight the demons in my mind. All that i didn't thought of, suddenly came to past and made me reflect on myself. All the answers in my head, it was all new to me and i was shock myself.

' You are worthy, Patricia '

' Stop finding love, love will find you. '

' Why do you wanna show yourself to the world? '

' Love yourself, appreciate yourself. '

' People is there for you, find yourself back for them. '

' Don't lose yourself, this is not you. '

I was not being myself the whole time, social media changed me to someone i wasn't fit for. In fact, i was showing myself to the world that i am such an easy person. That i could get myself lots of attention behind all those makeups and lens. This time, i really woke up. I immediately took my phone and deleted all the apps, i stopped all conversation with guys who got my number. I don't know why i did it, it didn't seem like its Patricia at all. The next day, i went to my friends and asked them to delete the app. They didn't ask for a reason, they just deleted it and i was really happy cause it felt like i was doing the right thing for the first time. A few days went by and my phone was quiet. The past me would be so sad that no one texted me, but this time i wasn't even vexing over it. In fact, i was busy hanging out with my good friends playing fifa and going crazy the whole day. My phone didn't matter at all, it was so quiet and i was happy. I started doing things that i love, i started giving my attention to those people who matters. It was the most amazing feeling ever, once in my life this actually happened to me. The most unbelievable thing was, i started having a more positive mindset and started building up the love and appreciation for myself. Even till now, i am proud to say it has changed me completely.

Today, i have stopped relying my happiness on anyone but myself. I have learned to love myself for who i am and stop degrading myself just cos of the words people labelled me. I came to a conclusion that words may hurt, but it doesn't mean it defines me. In order for someone to love the you you are, first we have to love ourselves. The past months, i have lost so much of my worthiness and values. Now, i am recovering them back day by day and filling up the love for myself. No matter how people tries to bring down, i guess its really okay. Cos at the end of the day, i know i have God to remind me that i am precious to him. Moreover, its really okay if people label you words that you're not. As long as you know your true intentions and still do good anyways that's all it matters. Even when the whole world goes against you, never stop doing good. Do not bring yourself down and destroy your real personality of who you really are, secure that identity and be grateful.

'My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you’ve been mean to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.'
— Laurell K. Hamilton

Things not to do when in love.

Hey guys.

Just wanna share a little bit of this and that. Note to everyone that this post doesn't mean that everyone should agree to it. I'm just stating a few points to what i have experienced before so do not take it personally unless you feel that you are one of them and you should obviously feel guilty about it.

I am not a love guru, maybe a little. But i don't know why people come to me for advices everytime and i enjoy giving them lectures for many hours. True enough, we could tell people the rights and wrongs about a situation but couldn't at all adopt it on ourselves. That is the reason why we can never learn on our own and can only depend on our problems or people to give us the knowledge we never had. If you know me well enough, i suck at loving most of time. I do not know how to express the slightest things ever cos i'm just that stupid when it comes to love and many people just kept asking me why when i do not know the answers at all. Probably that's one of the reason why so many people come and go in my life, only the ones who understands me or the one who is like me would stay the longest. That's a sad thing actually, i'm being misunderstood most of the time.

But of cos, i have my own experiences as well. And surely i say to you, when love starts crumbling down, you know you gotta start putting on the armour you have left collecting dust in the closet. Some things that people do would just hurt you and you're left there wondering if you could still stand up and survive or leave there to die. Sometimes love could be so overwhelming that people forgot about themselves and when that person walks away, your happiness goes away with them as well. What could you do? Nothing.

Here are some of the things that one should not do when in love(from experience) :

1) Being affected by how he/she feels.

I know it sucks when the one you love is feeling all down and miserable. And the only thing in your head right at that point of time is finding something to cheer them up no matter how silly you'll look infront of them, because their happiness is what matters to you the most. The last thing to do during this period is not to feel the same way as them. When one is weak, another gotta be strong. No matter how hurtful you feel cos of their pain, do not fall into the same pain as well because it'll make everything so much worse and no one will feel better in the end. If they do not want to explain why they are feeling this way, give them some time. Do something to cheer them up and make them smile again, not cave into sober and assume everything is your fault just because he/she is feeling miserable. They could be having a bad day at work/school, maybe they just argued with someone, or maybe its just one of those days where people breakdown for no reason because its all part of life. Whatever it is, never assume that it is all because of you. If you assume that every emotion he/she gives is all because of you, you're obviously stirring your own shit up.

2) 'Go find someone else then.'

When one is angry, nothing goes through their minds. All that they could feel is flames burning inside of them and nothing could extinguish it because they are that angry. But it doesn't give you the reason to use it anyways. Asking them to go find someone else and pushing them away to another person just because you are pissed at them for whatever reason. I admit i have used this before and i regretted it because at that point of time, i was basically stupid in love and know no cure for it. Some of you might be using this for attention many times. But trust me, everyone got their own limits and when you cross that limit, you know you can never undo what you've said or done. Just because they have stayed through with you everytime you blurt the same thing, doesn't mean they'll stay through with you forever just because you know they have always not leave you when you say those words. One day, one fine day they will do what you ask for so don't ever regret when you end up seeing them with someone else. Don't underestimate what you thought someone could never do just because they didn't do it before, they will do it so don't fucking regret it dear.

3) Never assume everything is you.

Everyone got their own free will to tweet or post about whatever they want, its not up to you to decide what they should post because people need to let off some steam and feel better as well. When he/she tweets or post about something emotional or angry, last thing to do is to feel personal over it. They could be ranting cos of someone who made them this way or a problem which screwed up their day. Just because it feels like its talking about you, it doesn't means is really about you! If you wanna know the truth, start asking because you can. And when they tell you is not about you, just accept the damn fact and move on. Stop trying to indirectly reply their tweets or post thinking that they can't see it when obviously, they can. When shit like this happens, i can only roll my eyes backwards hoping that my eyeballs would not roll back. If you got your bad days, everyone else have it as well. So calm the fuck down and start asking instead of thinking everything is about you.

4) 'You can leave if you want.'

Some people thought that breaking up is a fucking game. It is too mainstream that it is used during every fight, i clearly do not know how this would work. When a problem between a couple arise, be mature and listen to whatever problems it is. Not trying to use the word 'breakup' just to end off the situation because you are left with nothing to defend yourself with. If you think the word 'breakup' could scare the shit out of the other party and letting yourself think that they will surrender the fight, then think again. Not everyone you want to break up with will stay and beg you to not leave. You'll never know how it will end off, you'll never know if over will really be over. Learn to listen and ask, not telling someone that they can leave if they want to because you assume they are miserable being with you when that's clearly not the case. What do you take them of? After a fight, and you giving them an option whether to leave or stay. Some people do not give up on love that easily, so do not make them look like a fool letting everyone else think that he/she gives up too easily like some easy ass person with no feelings. If one day they really leave, don't freakin' cry out to God and beg for mercy.

5) Scolding of foul languages 

If you love someone, you tend to tease them the most. But always know that there are limits to everything. Just because some are willing to accept whatever shit you give to them, it doesn't apply to  the whole population. You can tease them with cute and silly UNOFFENDED words which would cost them to love you even more. Not always using stupid foul languages on them just because its fun for you. I despise people who often use vulgars on their girlfriends or boyfriends whether if its for fun , joy or laughter or when they are angry. It is a major turn off when vulgars are used on me and said by the ones i love the most. Calm the fuck down because i'm not a foul language dictionary for you to write on. It doesn't only applies to me, but everyone deserves to be treated better when in a relationship or when in love. Spouting vulgars at the one you love is never a cool gesture, it is a simple act of childishness and lameness which could lead you to a fucking war.

I'm done.

Everyone's complaining so much about life, but no one had any idea what causes it. In the past, most of the things was being handled with care and there wasn't much to worry about. But as life catches up with us, we know clearly we can never run away from it. The more we try to avoid and hide ourselves from all the problems arising, the more hurdles and obstacles grow continuously. Sometimes things get way too out of hand then next thing you know, you are left there on the concrete floor crying out for help but no one's there to hear you.

Throughout my life, i've been trying so hard to find my position. I've been trying so hard to fit into society when i know clearly, i do not stand a chance anywhere. Every new encounters i go through, every new mistakes i make. I hop from places after places trying to figure out how to live my life accordingly but true enough, i can never stay long. I see people around me succeeding in life, i see people around me fulfilling what they wished for, i see people around me sharing their testimony. Whereas me, i still couldn't see where i stand exactly. 

Few years ago, a friend of mine prophesied for me through her vision that was a gift from God. I was still a Childcare Teacher back then. In her vision, she shared with me that i was made for greater things. More greater than me just being a Childcare Teacher, and that i could do so much more than this. In my heart that time, i could never understand or bring about how was that going to ever happen. I left the job eventually and went to pursue for a higher education and i got in. After months of studying, going for classes, going for attachment, i soon realised how happy i was. But just like how the storm do not last forever, the clear sky too, do not last forever. Things just started to get difficult, like a sudden gust of never-ending war everyday.

Me being the oldest in class, i don't know if i was ever being thought of as a good role model. In reality, being the oldest means you have more experiences in things and have more wisdom and patience to whatever problems or situations. Also being the most mature and setting the best examples to the younger ones. But true enough, i didn't give myself this kind of chance to begin with. I was never good enough in class, i was never the matured one, i was never the respected one, i was never the one who could pour fourth wisdom to anyone. Instead, the younger ones were the most matured and smart. Whereas i'm the one listening and learning from them everytime. I came to realise that age was really just a number, doesn't mean being the oldest means you have every value of being an adult. I felt demoralised, i felt like i couldn't deal with situation maturely. 

True enough, being angry is an emotion. Is a way of expressing a feeling that you can never handle anymore inside and without knowing it, you just burst into flames and no one asked why. Soon after that, people started labelling you as the sensitive one, the attitude one, the one who couldn't control his/her emotion. But deep down inside, you know clearly you didn't really want to burst out. And the words you received from people after bursting out hurts you even more. Things like : ' Why are you being so sensitive?' ' Just a small problem and you made it into something so huge. ' Stop showing your emotion. ' ' Be mature. ' ' You're being so unreasonable. '

No one ask why, no one bothered to hear from both sides. A situation they saw, becomes the situation as it is in their minds. I got so much to say, i could list down a whole essay to why people get angry. But no one will ever bother to hear me out because i'm just that girl in class where i should be the matured one but i wasn't. I did all that i could to please people around me when i know obviously i shouldn't but still did it anyways. At the end of the day, what do i get back? I don't mind not receiving  back any positive comments or any freakin' praises from anyone, i don't live by that rules. I believe the more i give, the more i'll get eventually. But one thing i need, is just a little respect. Respect begets respect, if i give you my respect please give me your respect too. 

I'm not a feelingless puppet doll, just like you i got my feelings as well. Whatever words you say, whatever things you do. Always know that i react to it differently and if i burst out one fine day, don't tell me i'm sensitive. Don't tell me to freakin' relax cos its not the best situation to 'relax' upon. Instead, ask me why and i'll tell you why. Reflect back at yourself on what you did to me before labelling me as a sensitive person. I battle everyday with your words and your actions in school, just because others was able to endure what you did to them, please do not assume that i am the same. Different people react to different situation, and if you go way to overboard which i doubt you'll ever realised, don't blame me for being the asshole i've showed myself onto you. Everyone got their limits and my limits are up, rather than telling me why am i so sensitive, start asking yourself if you are the one who started the fire. Your words are like poison and i drink it everyday, and i'm dying.

From now on, i will not burst out anymore. From now on, i'll be that little angel you never thought i'll be. I'll be the matured one and prove it to you. Whatever words that you said once more to me, i will just smile. And note to you, always remember this smile. I will go with the flow to wherever it brings me to, i will not be who i am now anymore. I will pray my hardest to God to turn me into a feelingless puppet doll as you wish, the hardening of my heart will change me and you will sit back and watch me grow. When it happens, do not ever question me why. Do not ever ask me what happened to me, because YOU happened to me.

Nothing left.

Hey guys.

There are so many things on my mind, and i wish i could clear it all at once and be at ease for awhile.

 Social media has became the only place where i could throw all my anger, all my pain, all my thoughts without knowing how people would view me unless they come up to me personally to tell me. But whatever it is, i want to feel better. I want to stop complaining and just move on to being happy because there's nothing i could do right now to make myself feel better. We made many mistakes in life, we created chaos that shouldn't have ever existed. But what are we supposed to do? Some things just happens, even without our control. 

People around me, i feel them leaving already. I may tweet about me not caring who left in my life but true enough, i'm hurting. I tried many ways to make them stay, but my best was never enough. The fact is, i miss everyone. I miss everyone who use to be so close to me, i miss everyone who used to care for me. And just like that, i let them go, i mess them up. Everything that i did, just got people further away from me. In school, outside, everywhere. I took advantage of people who were so good to me, i do not know how to appreciate. Only when they are gone, that's when i start to realise that i've made the biggest mistake of all time. I then start to question myself, why am i like that? Why am i so selfish? Why am i so pathetic? 

A simple thing i just couldn't do it right. True enough, i'm not worth much. I'm not good enough, i'm never going to fulfil my purpose in life. I couldn't keep people around me close to me, they just slip off from my hands so easily just like that. I pray all night to God, asking him if there's anything wrong with me. I ask him to forgive me for not being able to match up, for not being able to be good enough for anything. People see me all happy and crazy, but am i really happy? No. Just like any comedian, i could make people laugh, i could make people go crazy. That's because i used all my pain and insecurities to turn it into something funny so people could laugh and be happy. When i'm alone, what am i? I'm just me. The me who is always tired of herself, the me who is always crying for no reason, the me who is full of negative thoughts.

 I lock myself up, i sit in the dark, i talk to God, i cry. Friends around me are trying so hard to help me, be it being harsh or being polite. I want to know what i'm really capable of, i want to know how happiness really works, i want people to hug me tight and tell me that they'll be there. I do not have many friends, people assumed i do. People assumed i'm popular, people assumed i'm happy, people assumed i'm really who i am on the outside. The fact is, i am none of the above. I'm downright negative, downright hurting everytime. The reason why i don't show much, is because i'm already enough to be a burden. Why should i make it even worse when clearly not much people would give a heck? Everyone's tired of me always being this way, everyone is. 

Right now, i just wish i could go back in time to correct what i did wrong. I'm sorry for pushing people away, i'm sorry for being someone whom i'm not, i'm sorry that i can never feel better no matter how much i've been helped, i'm sorry for letting you go. I'm hurting, im crying, i'm helpless. Everyone else is, so why am i the only one complaining? Because people know how to turn something sad into something beneficial, whereas for me, i make the slightest thing into a battlefield. So please, someone help me get through this. Help me to change, help me to do better, help me to get rid of the devil in me. I'm clueless, i'm exhausted. 

Where do i stand? 

Types of Guys.

Hey guys.

Yes, i know how crazily late i am to not blog for a few months now. Always up with the same excuses again. I have been busy with school, assignments, shoots and whatever a normal typical student would have gone through when you're still schooling. I guess a few burdens on my plate has evaporated into thin air and i can at least find some decent time for myself, (which is now lol). Thank you all for still tuning in when you clearly know there's really nothing nice to read about here, i ain't no high class blogger like Xiaxue or QiuQiu :(

But hey, main topic ain't about wanting fame here. Just wanna share out my thoughts like i have always did and hopefully be able to inspire some of you guys out there, i assume its going to be a long post so....(i want you to stay)

I've been in school for a few months now and i kinda took some inspiration from some of my guy friends who are close with me and some maybe not too close with me. Finally i could think of some types of guys who really can attract me or maybe some of the girls out there as well. So here are a lists of some types of guys who are just so, in a sense attractive in all ways. And no, i'm not seeking attention from any guys out there to read my blog and perform the things that i list down. Just feel that some guys in this world ought to be appreciated and loved deeply, in the right way cos i assume that most men/boys doesn't realize how great they really are in different eyes of the people.

1) A guy that 'Sayangs' you.

I do not know how to define the word 'Sayang' in normal English term. But if you're a Singaporean, you should know what i mean. You know sometimes you will just talk to someone and when the conversation ends, a guy would just randomly stretch out his arm and start brushing their hands onto your head. Not like they are patting you like a dog, i do not appreciate people who does that. Just a gentle brush against your hair and i clearly got no idea why my reaction would be so huge. I wouldn't show it of cos, just explode with flowers inside of me like unicorns are everywhere. Don't get me wrong people, not any random guys from each corner does that and i'll be melting. Definitely got to be someone i know if not i'll be creeping out and performing some wushu on him. This feeling is indescribable, like you'll just melt away and pause for a moment when it happens and of cos feel happy about it. Somehow you just feel the warmness and gentleness coming from that person, like wow he's amazing.

2) A guy who makes you laugh.

I'm sure this is one of the most common comment who girl would give when asked what kind of man would she fall in love with. True enough, it is true. I just enjoy the energy when laughter are all over the room, like nothing can ever get us out of this circus we're in. One particular situation that only you and the guy would laugh about while others will just stare at you like you're freakin' retarded or something. When a hilarious encounter comes about, saying it once will never be enough for the both of you. We just tend to laugh and laugh till we cry, roll all over the floor till we polish the tiles clean. Its just a reminder to me that being sad is just a choice and being happy is the correct answer. Guys who makes me laugh just deserve all the due respect, i take my hats off you bae.

3) Tells you that their hand are touching you at an inappropriate place.

You know sometimes when guys put their hand over your shoulder and it happens that they are almost near your chest area? Well, some sweet ones would alert you on this and tells you while some asshole will not. The sweet ones are truly a dear. We all know how guys would react to things like that, its just nothing to be surprised about. I really appreciate those who would tell their girlfriend/girl-friends that their hands are touching somewhere they shouldn't be. Like you truly gave all your respect to this girl and not let it ruin who you really are and of cos sincerely wanting to protect her because you do not want her to feel uncomfortable at any cost. Thinking about how respectful you can be just melts my heart, (marry me already).

4) Their hand over your shoulder.

You girls sure know how sexy it is when a tall guy just puts their hand over your shoulder(of cos someone you know). I don't know why i like it, maybe it just gives me a sense of security and makes me feel like i'm so little but someone is protecting me secretly in a way. Now to come to think of it, i guess being short got its advantage as well. Most girls would die for Paris Hilton's legs, but will it be funny if some guy with the same height as her puts his hand over her shoulder? In my imagination, i kinda couldn't get a good picture of it. But when i put an averagely short person with a tall guy, oh gosh that works out so damn well. I'm not saying that tall girls do not look good on tall guys, they do okay. Just that my jealousy is telling me otherwise. Some of my guy friends tells me that they prefer short girls because tall girls scares them, like woahhhhhh did you steal all the cow's milk and drank it.

5) Suddenly grabs you into their body and rubs your head.

Quite similar to number 1 but more sweeter. I like how guys would just walk with you side by side and suddenly they just grab you out from no where into their warm bodies and start rubbing your head. It sounds kinda obscene the way i put it but you know what i mean. Especially when their body is full of obvious cuttings, abs, chest....okay that's in the movies. But yeah, you just feel their warmness and it makes you melt instantly like a candle on fire. Truly, like number 4 i feel like surveillance camera is all around me giving me 100% protection 24/7. Its a little exaggerating but this is how i could describe it in layman's term, not some creepy stalker outside my house of cos.

6) A guys that sings and plays the instrument for you.

Wow wow wow, i couldn't resist any of this. I know i would go crazy and roll all over my bed and cry out for help. In my life, only 1 guy i knew did this for me. He played the guitar while i sing and composed a lullaby on the piano for me because i was sad. One of the sweetest thing that someone have ever done for me, i just couldn't at all ask for more. In the movie, you see all sorts guys singing to their girl and what not. And when you're watching it, you can't help but wishes it was you in real life. Let's face it girls, it doesn't only happen in the movies. It does happen here on Earth too, just that some guys are afraid to show it. Truly thank God for such men in this world, such an honor to have them around to calm me down when i go crazy at the most random of time ever.

7) They lies on your shoulder.

You know how girls are always the one lying on the shoulder of their men? If you were to plot-twist it a little, it kinda turns out pretty cute. When i lie my head on his shoulder, i do feel like he accepted when i did that while some would just reject it simply because they are not a physical touch person. When he lies on my shoulder, oh gosh i promise you man its the best moment ever. Somehow it says to me that even a guy needs a pillar of strength, they need something to lie on because they are human themselves. It also says to me that not only a guy can protect their girl, but a girl can also protect her men because we know we can just that sometimes we don't want to show it simply because we want the men to do all the caring and shit. I guess both party should share the same amount of care and concern, depending on the situation. We girls can protect too, just let down a little pride and its perfect.

8) Makes you warm when you're cold.

Be it friend or boyfriend, its one of the sweetest gesture one can ever do. Especially in the movies or in a super cold room, when he just takes out his jacket just for you and left himself to freeze. Even better when he got no jacket and realized that you are cold when he touches your hands, he immediately let his body heat warms you right off. Like there is nothing in this world left to feed me, but his warmness will keep me from freezing in the night. You know clearly you are freezing, then suddenly a warm and gentle hand emerged out overlaying yours. The heat from a man's body is just too attractive, like are you a campfire or something? You're so warm that i could melt some marshmallows and make some s'more for the both of us.

9) Shares their stories with you.

Everyone knows how guys love to talk about their life, but only some would be comfortable in sharing the most confidential one. Some guys could just go on and on about whatever they want to say but when it comes to something more personal, they wouldn't share because i guess they only share happiness to people and forget about themselves. I appreciate people who are so hyper outside when most human would judge them as an 'anti-problem' kind of person, that when they start sharing their personal life with you, you just feel like you got them. Like they are in a danger zone and you just want to protect them because they are that fragile on the inside. When a hyper person shares with me their stories, i just can't help but listen and be part of their world. It makes me feel happy that i could at least be standing outside the door of someone who locks them but they still continues telling me their problems while sitting side by side with a door in between.

10) Protects you.

You know how clumsy some of us may be, like really crazily clumsy. I always think that i have balancing problems, like i just can't climb the stairs probably or walk straight. But in the midst of me falling down or backwards, there will always be this friend of mine who would catch me when i fall. I do not know where he comes from, but he'll always be there like when you're in danger and boooom he appears like a lightning bolt saving you in his suit but well mine was in school uniform so yeah. I clearly do not know how to define such situation, like i'm really thankful for people like them. You know they got your back, whatever shit that may happen will happen and in the midst of all that, someone's there ready to catch you and put you in safety zone. What a charming hero, xoxo.

11) Stay close with you when you're doing them a favor.

Guys do need help too and they do ask for help as well while some guys i know just do whatever they thought they knew and screw up in the end. When a guy ask you for help in somethings, i just find it so adorable. I didn't think that they are useless on why they can't do it themselves, i find such guys so cute like i could just kick them and squeeze them. I remembered a guy in my past school who couldn't open a can of coke, so i offered my help assuming he'll say no. But he actually ask me to help him open that can of coke, i was kinda shock because guys who are not afraid of asking for help is really attractive in a way and i was attracted to it. Another one was recently, a guy asked me to help him draw for an assignment and the fact that he stood so close with me while i was drawing and it makes me feel like he appreciated everything that i'm doing for him and that he doesn't wanna go away until i'm done because he don't want me to be suffering alone. Best part of all, he actually shared his music with me on his ipod with earpiece plucked on both of our ears. Oh gosh, what a gem.

12) Shares funny stuff on the internet with you.

Some guys are naturally funny and they can actually take it to the next level of sweetness. They are the ones who shares the joys with everyone around them, like they do not want to laugh alone but with an army. Its sweet how he comes across something funny on the net and suddenly thought of you cos he knows you will definitely laugh since both of you laugh at almost the same thing. Don't you find it such a dear when someone decides to light your mood in a dark room? Like some people could just be a none living thing in your room but your room is still dark while some are like a lit up candle that occupies the whole room with light and warmness. Such simple gesture sure do make me melt in times like this, and it comes in handy everytime when i'm down.

I still got many types of guys to label, but i guess its just too much for now. Hopefully you guys didn't get bored of it, cos i was smiling a lot while typing this whole composition. There are truly many good guys all around you, but i guess they are all in your 'friendzone' list. Small gesture that they do, appreciate it even though you do not have any feelings for that person. Let him know that he is appreciated, do not conceal his goodness over something you didn't like about him. Everyone got their own imperfection, when you learn to accept them, everything about them becomes perfect to you. Take time to realize, everyone's still growing anyway.